Preached in Markham Baptist Church, November 6, 2005

BECOME WHAT YOU ARE!  PART 8:
WALKING IN HARMONY IN MARRIAGE

During our study of the book of Ephesians we have discovered the wealth that is ours in Christ and how that wealth enables us to walk the Christian life. It’s so important that we understand the wealth that is ours before we try to walk as Christians. If we try to walk without knowing the great wealth that is ours, we will fail because we start to depend on our own power in the Christian life.

But when we know the great wealth that is ours - all that God has done for us in Christ - then we are able to say, “Because Christ is our head and brought us together under his Lordship we are able to walk in unity. Because Christ has made me a new creation we are able to walk in purity.” And this morning, because God has given us Christ who is our peace we are able to walk in harmony in all our relationships. Paul will speak of several specific relationships - the relationship between slave and master (Ephesians 6:5-9) child and parent (Ephesians 6:1-4) and husband and wife - but we only have time in our series to look at the relationship between husband and wife. 

I choose this relationship to study because these verses are perhaps the most controversial and least understood of all the verses in the book of Ephesians.  In fact one pastor began his sermon this way. “Verse 22 of Ephesians 5 – where it says wives submit to your husbands,” he said, “is the most controversial verse in the whole Bible.” Then he said, “So lets move on to verse 23.”

That really isn’t a helpful approach. Indeed there are some people in our society who view our text as a load of straw. Paul is seen as an extremist, one who came from a culture that was extremely male dominated and therefore he must be very biased about what he says about the relationship between men and women. He has been accused of being a male chauvinist and all the rest, but in reality Paul has a very high regard for women and their place in God’s creation.

He is very careful to explain how a husband should relate to his wife. He elevates women’s place in society and he compares women to what?  Not to brilliant gems, or sparkling stars nothing so superficial but he compares them to the church. The church is God’s own creation, His first love which He bought with His own blood. It is not the jewel in His crown - it is the crown itself. And Paul compares women to the church! Paul has a very elevated view of women and we have much to learn. 

In fact if Paul was to write with a mind dictated by cultural influence, instead of being dictated by God, his words would be much different. The Jews had a very low view of women. In the Jewish form of morning prayer there was a sentence in which a Jewish man every morning gave thanks that God had not made him, “A Gentile, a slave or a woman.” 

The real problem is not Paul but with people’s reading of the text. They read “wives submit to your husbands” and stop there, or they read “the husband is the head of the wife” and they stop there. And they either are annoyed at these phrases and don’t bother to understand what they mean OR they use them to justify their own sinful ways. 

Satan must love it when we use Scripture to defend our sinful ways. For instance, the phrase, “Wives submit to your husbands” has been used to justify the abuse of women both physically and emotionally, and it is used to belittle the incredible worth of a woman. Sometimes it is used to justify women staying in an abusive relationship. But don’t you believe it. If you are in an abusive relationship get out of it! Understand that God sees women as beings of significant worth, to be treated with respect and great love. He compares them to His church. 

Don’t let anyone tell you that Christianity has a low view of women. When Jesus came into the world he taught what marriage was truly supposed to look like. Women in His day were regarded as possessions rather than partners. Divorce could be for any indecency. There was one school that said even if your wife is troublesome and quarrelsome, even if she doesn’t salt the food right then you could divorce her. But Jesus changed all that - He raised the standard and said all people are of immense worth, and His Word outlines the role men and women are to play in the marriage relationship. 

God’s plan was not that men should be exalted and women be suppressed. Nor was His plan that women should be exalted and men suppressed, but it was that both would be become indwelt by His character and grow in their Christ likeness for the praise of His glory. That’s His plan.

 When studying this text we need to understand the whole of it and it begins not at verse 22 but at verse 21. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” And this is a word to every Christian about all our relationships. None of us can say, “I’m really glad I’m not a married Christian woman because then I’d have to practice submission.” No. Everyone one of us to is to submit to the other. 

Do you want to know how to make your relationships work? Here it is right here, submit to one another. That is, we are to be unselfish toward one another. That’s how God has treated us, He unselfishly gave Himself to us in Christ and continues to unselfishly give Himself to us. And this is how we are treat others. 

And what is our motivation? Out of reverence for Christ. Because Christ has treated me unselfishly, because He is my Lord, we seek to be unselfish in our relationships. 

And of all the relationships on this earth, of all the people I know, doesn’t it make sense that I should have this attitude toward THE person who is the most important in my life? Makes sense. So Paul says, wives submit, or be unselfish toward your husbands. And husbands, verse 25, love or be unselfish toward your wives. 

Now let’s unpack that for a bit for it really is a key to a happy and blessed marriage. It is unselfishness. How much better our marriage relationship would be if we were truly acted unselfishly toward the other. Putting the needs of the other ahead of your own. That’s what our text is saying. 

There are many people who have a wrong idea of what marriage is about – there are many who believe that a marriage works best when favour is returned for favour. Do you know this kind of relationship? It says you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Here’s how this kind of marriage relationship works.

Let’s say the husband takes out the garbage and he does the pots after supper so that means he should be able to watch the hockey game Saturday night without interruptions. But now the wife has done him a favour, and now the ball is his court, so the next day he cuts the lawn, or does the laundry, – now the ball is in wife’s court – and she cooks a nice meal.

Then the favour is back in his court. But this time somehow he gets distracted and he forgets or neglects to reciprocate the favour – and the wife remembers that – and what does the wife say? 

“I did this and this for you and what are you doing for me?” or she says, “The next time it’s my turn to return a favour, I’m not going to.” or  she says, “The next time it’s my turn to return the favour I’m going to do something against him.”  And if she does something against the husband what does the husband do? He does something against her! 

As long as there is this trade off going everything is fine, but let one person falter then the marriage breaks down. It doesn’t work. Even in minor irritations, “Look I promise to pick up my underwear from off the floor if you promise not to squeeze the tooth paste from the middle.” Let one person falter on the deal and the there’s a big squish mark in the middle of the toothpaste. It doesn’t work. 

What our text is describing is a better kind of relationship – it is speaking of unselfish love. It gives even if it doesn’t get anything back in return. So what does this look like? First for the wife, this unselfish love - verse 22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” So be unselfish toward your husband.

Here is the motivation again. Wives, be unselfish toward your husband as to the Lord. It doesn’t mean worship your husband as you would the Lord, but means out of obedience to the Lord, be unselfish toward your husband. This means I am unselfish because of my relationship with Christ. Because I have tasted His unselfishness, His love, then I will be that way toward my husband. 

Verse 23: “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Here we have the model. Wives, submit to your husbands as the church submits to Christ. How does the church submit to Christ? 

The text tells us, the church submits to Christ by recognizing His headship in the church, His leadership. It says that Christ is the head of the church and therefore we follow Him. So the wife recognizes the headship of the husband. 

This doesn’t mean that the man has more worth than the woman, it doesn’t mean that the man has more authority than the woman – it does mean that he has responsibility for the home.  Men and women are equal before God but we are not the same, we have different roles to play in the marriage relationship. 

Some say why can’t we share headship, why does someone have to be in charge? Because it doesn’t work. We’ve had committees where no one is charge but everyone is in charge – it’s a nightmare. “Every normal living thing has a head. If it doesn’t have a head it’s deformed. And anything with two heads – is a monster. That’s why we need a head. There must be an appointed leader. Somebody’s got to be in charge.”¹  

Second, the church submits to Christ by offering its gifts to Him for His use. Wives, when you submit to your husband you do not cash your brain in at the door and bat your big eyelashes at him. It means you bring all the gifts that God has given you to the marriage for the glory of God and the benefit of the relationship. 

Now be careful here, there is nothing in Scripture to suggest that women may not pursue their own career or earn a living; or that married women must do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning, while their husbands cut the grass, look after the car and administer the finances, or that baby rearing is the exclusive domain of women. Scripture is silent about this kind of division of labour. 

But husbands, you have to recognize your responsibility as head of the house to lead spiritually. To be sure your wife may know her Bible better than you, but you have the responsibility for the spiritual leadership in your home. It answers the question, who gets things started. 

I have often let my immediate family down in this, and Janet graciously reminds me. It’s funny how we can sometimes be great spiritual giants everywhere except where we are supposed to be – and that’s the home. 

Again, headship has little to do with authority but everything to do with responsibility.  So wives, love your husbands unselfishly. 

Now husbands, love your wives unselfishly.  Verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” 

What does that mean? It means putting her first. It means giving yourself up for her. It means dying for her. It means seeking the best for her. It means giving your all – your attention, your affection, your love to your wife. It means to love her as Christ loved the church. Dying to self. 

And then Paul will say in verses 33, if you can’t grasp how much Christ loves the church, then think of how much you love yourself! Think of how you treat yourself, and treat your wife that way. 

Practically speaking, it means don’t save your best smiles for work. Remember her on her birthday and anniversary and bring home flowers on the in between days – it shows that you are thinking of her. If you are going to be late, call. It’s all those simple little things that show that you are treating her unselfishly. 

Do you see how this kind of understanding protects the marriage from tyranny, and abuse of authority and power? This passage speaks of none of these - it is all about sacrifice, self-giving. I often have that image in my mind of the man who attends one of those family life seminars and he stands up, yanking his big belt buckle up over his huge belly and says, “What I want to know, is who is the head of the house?” And the response has to be given, the head of the house is the one who is last. That’s what Jesus says, isn’t? The first will be last. If you want to know who the head of the house is, then look for the one with the towel of service wrapped around his waist and who is washing everyone’s feet. He is the head of the house. 

If this passage refers to power at all (and some read the word “headship” that way) then it is the power to care, not to crush; the power to serve, not to dominate; the power to facilitate self-fulfillment, not to frustrate or destroy it; the power to serve, the power to give unselfishly to your wife without expecting anything back in return.

Now for both husband and wife – how can we practice unselfishness in our marriage? How can we practice unselfishness in all our relationships? Can I just give you some actions for the demonstrate mutually practice this unselfish love? I am indebted to the work of Tom Holladay² for some of these.

Unselfish love is practiced when we:

1.      Prayerfully release our expectations and rights back to God. One woman wrote,

“Before marriage we women think that our men are as sexy as Robert Redford, smart at Albert Einstein, as brave as John Glenn, as funny as Jay Leno, and as athletic as Mike Tyson. But now that we’ve been married a while we might think he is as sexy as Jay Leno, as smart as Mike Tyson as funny as John Glenn, and as athletic as Albert Einstein and nothing at all like Robert Redford.”

And husbands could say something similar. We all come into marriage with these expectations. But we need to give them up and stop trying to make our wife or husband what we wish they were. Trust God to shape your wife into the person he wants her to be. When we do this we are mutually submitting to one another.

2.      Practice the discipline of forgiving one another. I grew up in a home where no one ever said “I’m sorry.” They are deep words, and express so much, but so important to be able to say in our marriage.

3.      Decide to totally accept one another. Romans 15:7 says, Accept one another just as Christ accepted you in order to bring praise to God. How has Christ accepted us? Unconditionally. It’s a choice, it’s a decision. There is a definite point in time when we say I choose to accept you and like you. I choose to accept you as the person God made you to be and not for the person you are going to be in the future.

4.      Check your own faults. Matthew 7: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye.” A good exercise is to make a list of your spouse’s faults on one side of the paper then on the other side of the paper write down your ten or twelve sinful responses to those faults. He or she may have a problem, but I may have a problem in the way I respond.

5.      Focus your thoughts on the positive. Philippians 4:8 – “Brothers and sisters, think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable and pure and beautiful and respected. Focus on what is good.” 

In verse 33 the text says a husband must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband. That word respect means to have a genuine gratefulness for the good qualities and growth of a person’s life. It is the ability to see and admit the husbands spiritual leadership.

So both are to focus on what is good. If you are having a hard time seeing the good in him or her right now, think of what attracted you to the person in the first place. Appreciate the things that you take for granted so often.

6.      Express your respect - express your love. Tell him and show him. Tell her and show her. Make a list a and share it with each other. Wives what do you respect about your husband? Husbands what you love about your wives? Tell each other.

My friends, Christ has given Himself for us. He has unselfishly poured out His grace and mercy toward us. He has given Himself up for us out of love. So we have this model, we have this ability, to follow in all our relationships, to walk in harmony. May it be true in all our relationships, but in that most important relationship especially, in our relationship at home. 

Copyright MBC and Tom Cullen - November 2005

ENDNOTES:

1. Tom Holladay in a sermon entitled “How to have a Growing Marriage, Part 1.” delivered 1994 Purpose Driven Publishing. Copyright 2004.

2. Ibid.

[Home] [Coming Up] [Programs] [Sermons] [About Us] [Contact Us]